Tag Archive: hope

Try Today.

They say you control your destiny
But that’s not really so to me.
When your next bite to eat
Lays at the feet of beurocracy.


My hope was nil.
Swallowed a ton of pills
Just wanting the pain to still.
I didn’t want to die
But the pain was shredding me up inside.


They say you control your destiny
But if that’s true its new to me
What you can do is make the choice
To keep on trying. Keep on fighting.
Or give up. Get numb inside.


Its our choices that determine the way.
Choosing to go or choosing to stay.
Our choices wither to keep on fighting
or just give in. Either way we kinda never win.


The Gov’t wanted hoops I couldn’t jump through.
I really truly didnt know what to do.
There were days it was just easier to sleep.
Then worry about paperwork that I couldn’t complete.


Last year when my salvation came.
I was almost too downtrodden
For me to reach out and claim.


I asked my counselor why should I jump through another hoop.
I was just going to not fit anywhere
I was done, tired, through.


Just like all the times before
Didn’t see the point in doing so once more.


She looked at me and said just try for me this one last time.
if it doesn’t work, we’ll try another line.
This time, i’ll go too.
And if you just can’t do it,
ill be there to help you through.


I think I would be dead right now
If I had told her no.
I had spent every day for 3 long years,
just searching a home.


But i made the choice
To try once more.
And 3 months later I held the key
to my new front door.


Once I had a home,
things fell right into place.
And even now i look around my home
With an awed grin on my face.


I’ve only mentioned pieces.
In all the little things i write.
Of the road im traveling
And the things ive had to fight.


I don’t tell you all of this
For pity or acclaim.
I tell you all so that you
Dont ever feel alone and shamed.


That there is someone out there
Who understands
the pain that you go through..


The battles may be different
But we all feel things in an a similar way
And if this girl can do it.
I swear, you can too…
Would it hurt to try, today?




Last you recall
My husband loved me right
But now he hits me in his sleep
In the middle of the night.
Marriage still open?
You wanna know?
Yup same as always
Just goes to show.
Well. .
Let me continue this tale of mine
Stay awhile, put up your feet.
I was fading fast in the Arizona heat.
Many tragedies n illness
Left me a bed ridden heap.

Not wanting to die yet
Refusing to quit.

I Left town with a plant
my  daughter
Laptop and dog
my wheelchair and a blanket
We said goodbye to tucson
which was strangely covered in fog
Thinking He would be able to grab the rest of our things
all our belongings our everything
Once he arrived from another
month long trip.

A year later. .. zip.

Striking out to a place unknown
Only knowing it would be my new home. To Seattle we drove
My daughter and me.
To the place where I became
Something more. …


Of course there was a price
Hello! It’s me!
•The price is hard

For me to share…
One almost to much to bare
Even though I made it out of that horrid forsaken wheelchair.
I lost my animals, my cars ,
all my money and land.
In order to save…
My brother.
An honorable man.
Every debt collected
Called in every favor known
Even used ” Duchess” that my birthright bestowed.
Leaving me without a single thing
Not even my wedding ring.
Made it past for me to keep
clear and free.
Father heartbroken
He splintered like glass
He blames his only daughter for
leaving him alone to raise his last.
Husband in shock with only me to blame.  His wealth unreachable
Unless he rejoins His family and picks up the reigns.

They don’t see him .

For shame.
Daughter in shock
it had just been she n Me
She panics often
Hates for me to leave

her side

“What happens if you fall mom
have a seizure ?get raped or die? Better stay inside mom
So I can hear if you cry. ”
You gotta let me grow up sometime. I tell her as I race outside.
I run to the forest where I hide.
May this year that was the worst. My van said I did 400 thousand miles
I now need a hearse.
• And keeled over dead

In an intersection of course.
My only baby my beloved Doxie
did as he should.
Tried to protect me and bit someone good.
I sobbed as they took him away
Heart shattered a bit more as they drove away.

as I knew I would never see

My beloved Doxie after that day.
Birthday came.
no presents, No way.
Just my eldest daughter calling
to say yey!
Oh wait. .

I forgot my broken foot

Oh yes. . My birthday was good.
I’m sure you’re thinking
Some pitiful thoughts
Either that or …
man that girl fibs alot!!!
How much shit can you think up girl?

You sad little sop.

Here is where I remind
of my promise to you.

I will not lie to me

nor to you.
Do you see all I’ve gone through? If I can make it?
So can you.
Doesn’t matter what hell
I’ve gone through.

What matters is hopefully


my story will help get you through
your sorrow, your grief, your pain.
Help you stand
remember your name.
You’re allowed to sob
Curse the heavens

To blame. 

But in the end
You must stand tall in triumph
Not shame.
One thing I hope to get through to you now.
Life is hell
it’s ok to get blue.
But I promise

some day

You WILL make it through.
It’s not enough to simply survive
Find one simple good thing each day of your life.
A cloud.
Someone’s laugh
the smell of pie.
One day you will start to trive.
That is when ..
you will truly..

come alive.



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